Survival

o-broken-heart-facebook0

—————————————————-
The process of becoming unimportant to someone after having lived in their heart is most difficult. How do you accept the notion that they have become comfortable with their life without you? How do you become comfortable with them travelling from north pole of loving you to dusting away their hands, calling you a big shot mistake of their life and moving all the way to south pole for asking you to forgive them? How do you tell them that this is funnier than any joke would ever be to you? How do you translate to them that they do not make any sense with their inhumanity and barbarism while all this time you stood on the pedestal of being oh-so-perfect for them? How do you simply survive losing the love of your life?

How do you respond when they stop answering your phone calls and ignore your texts or block you? How do you shift your heart which oozes affection for them to produce hate? How do you adjust to fill the sudden vacuum in place of love and companionship? How do you realize that someone who once assured you of their existence as that of oxygen in your life has become a stranger? How do you simply survive after losing the love of your life? —————————————————–

No one in this world can soothe your pain when someone leaves you after becoming your world and vice versa. After promising you their love, life and eternity, i think it is the most unfair thing someone can to you. They leave you thinking that everything heals with time but the irony remains, if you have loved someone with all your heart and soul, you never become the same person you use to be before them. It is the most excruciating pain in the world. May you never wish it upon anyone.

——————————————————

But she did not know any other form of love. She did not believe there could be love in the universe, or law of the nature itself allow such a love that harbour conditions, inhibitions, or constraints. Love like that would be paradoxical, dystopia, contaminated therefore it does not qualify to be termed as love.

 

Because He changed .. (continues)

download-1

“How can someone survive losing the one they love”?, she read a comment out of many others on a recently updated post on Instagram. Something about the question startled her deep down to the core of her heart. One of the many love-struck nights she had spent with him, he pleaded, almost with a childlike innocence, “don’t leave me, don’t let me go”, she was surprised, pleasantly though because it was not something unusual, however, his expression in moments like these was always frightening. How could she leave him? – She wasn’t someone who would accept a man’s love just for leaving him in the way, she wasn’t someone who would let a man explore her soul, find peace with his insecurities, give up on her own idea about world to believe in the one he holds and then abandon him for something else. She repeatedly expressed herself, therefore, every time he dwindled into his doubt about her commitment, it alarmed her as if that was in fact representation of his own weakness, his own feeble strength, his love for her. She held on, she held him with a lady’s grip, strong and warm.

During the nights he would run fingers through her hair, intertwined into arms of each other, he whispered love into her soul, each successive day he took her identity away from herself and replaced it with his own. She felt like liquid which is poured in a mould, only guided to turn into unacquainted shapes, powerless and uninhibited.  He lit a fire in her heart; it wasn’t just the fire of love, but also of fear and of passion. She could feel his love in her veins; he was not like other men. He was hers, and she would do anything to secure him, but she never had to, because there was no one to secure her when he changed.

She had heard of men turning into stoneheart. At the center of it now, she was the heart, and he was a stone. She was officially left to face three challenges, the first was her battle with the world, a world where she had to live upto the expectations, while she was repeatedly failing to prove to the gender role the world expected of a lady. Secondly, she had to fight her own self, her own heart, her own love for him, her loss of self identity, self love and now when suddenly left desserted, she had to fight the desire to hold onto him. Thidly, she had to fight him.

 

Because HE changed

img-20160423-wa0003

He came in my life, in a moment of sheer coincidence, but maybe that’s how love comes to everyone? I still wonder it could be anyone else in my place and he would have treated her the same way, if destiny hadn’t chosen him for me. It didn’t take much time before he could speak the language of his heart to me, something I understood instantly, like flying comes natural to birds or like honey comes natural to a bee or breathing air comes natural to a baby post-birth. I felt special in his presence, in his description of me, i wasn’t like anyone else, for which i was to be his, “forever”. His feelings were expressive, like antics of an extrovert.

I was a woman of my principles, commitment, promises and security, something a lady’s preferred needs were mine too. He was hesitant to promise me his lifetime but he gave it in to hold my hand “forever” because I carried his heart in my chest and he carried mine. I was taken aback, love-struck, head over heels, he was all I ever wanted to have. Deeper into the darkest corners of my heart, there was a sea-storm of fears, waves carrying question marks were flowing towards seashore of my heart’s periphery, eroding it slowly, leading me to the impending evil.

It was a love that passionate, that maddening, the one poets and philosophers suggest deserve sacrifices, infinity and beyond. He became my home. My safest hideout place, my warmest sanctuary where I found peace after a day-long stress. His frequent fear of separation, strong sense of ownership, his insecurities drew me farther into the depth of his love, i wanted to protect him, save him, nurture him,i knew it was the path few travel, where exit doors are non existent, where only lovers who are willing to stroll fearless are allowed to enter. He knew the extent of my love, our love, and it was all that kept me going, the belief that we are inseparable.

His love for me was my most treasured asset. He changed me into someone he wanted me to become, and then he changed himself into someone I never knew, someone I couldn’t recognize. He built a world with me, for us to live there “forever”, and abandoned me there for the world he preferred for himself. He changed.

Her mysterious self

images

It may have been rough
like traveling through trenches mines & firing guns
warring foes and enemy tons
stormy in her mind and thunderstorms in her lungs
She stood staring at the horizons
streaks of gold flickering over the sky
It was everyday, but something yet anew
Oh, my beloved do not be aggrieved, say the storms adieu
For the world standstill and awaits none but you

Through doors closed and windows ajar
she could smell the fragrance of love
Holding her brazen self strong, wearing in her sleeves, her heart
World was at her feet, and life pumping through her veins
She felt like a king, a knight, her version of victorious Tsar
Years had passed by, so much was left behind
Indeed she was a time traveler, mystery of her time, like few
Running endless errands for love
For the world standstill and awaits none but you

There are stories in the world, and stories indeed we be
stand by the right, right may not it be
You have the soul and there shall you know the truth
By the stories you will write, you will know, what shall you
For the world standstill and awaits none but you

A journey to soul

12930871_1677457592516399_1875887239_n(1)

As the conversation carried on…

It’s easier saying than done, she replied.

They tell you moving on is easy, but moving on is actually one of the most difficult things to do. Getting over someone is a constant state of missing someone to wishing they didn’t exist, to loving them to hating them, to wanting them to never talk to you again to hoping and wishing they’d send you a text. It slowly gets easier as the distance between you two gets greater, but I don’t know if you can truly get over someone you once cared about. They will always have a part of your heart and be a part of who you were and who you are, but I promise one day you’ll realize you deserved to be loved not considered, you deserved to be fought for not given up on, you will see that person was a lesson not a rule.

Remember my friend, I patiently said:

The good that you do will come back to you. Likewise, the wrong things you’ve done in life will have its consequences too. Pain doesn’t go easy. It hurts. But then, you turn to Allah and slowly if not suddenly you start feeling better. So much better. He open doors for you, give you new dreams, take care of you more than anything. You actually start feeling His love that you always heard of; the love of more than seventy mothers.
Then, you have to rely on Allah swt. Trust Him with everything. You have to let go of your past. More importantly, you do not have to repeat the past. Everyone make mistakes. It’s more about how you deal with those mistakes. There are always two ways: To be stagnant and to have courage to accept mistakes, make yourself right and move on. Easier said than done, I know. But you need to force this attitude on yourself to be happy, to grow. Being stuck somewhere in the past is the least attractive thing. Don’t chase the same pattern and do not start disobeying Allah all over again.
This time will pass, even the pain will go; but if you choose to be stagnant, you will regret more than anything. Hurdles come, you will get tired too; of course it all takes time, you can also stop for a while but then get up again and move. Do not make your home in those hurdles -Islam4all

Cry to Allah, make du’a to Him and He will pour patience upon you in ways and in situations that you will be shocked by yourself.

“Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by God’s decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it’s yours from destiny, from you it can not flee.” – Umar ibn al-Khattab

Have faith. Take a road that leads you to your soul. your true self, free of desires, lust and material cravings. That is where peace lies.

I Am a Woman

file

Long ago, in a far away land
Where beauty was abundant and life was eternal
Love was immense, where sorrows were none
I was told of a land
A place where humans rant
Where songs are sung and unity is grand
And life is not only about clouds and spacious sands
It is glorious, with adorable infants and inspirational chants
I traveled a long distance in pursue of my dream
To reach love and beauty of humans unseen
For I was a rain droplet ready to set assail
At my arrival I saw a girl with forlorn face
Alone, looking in an empty space
She was tired and disgusted in a manner untamed
She had nowhere to go, but a long abandoned road
People with busy days, indifferent and in glee
There were many among them, crying to have some love for free
It was a sight full of misery
I was colorless but I could feel myself bleed
I was shattered and despaired
I was no more in world I have long dreamed to see

to my surprise, the girl stood up optimistic and erect, consoled me and said

O, dear droplet
Welcome to my land, I may have been a girl to you
But you see I am in fact a woman made of sand
Dwindling through the dark hours
running tireless errands
I slip through the fingers of tragedy and setbacks
Yet I will take you to the world where only I can give a hand with my super magic wand
I am often subjected to suffer, Ah still I flaunt my success grand

I have power of a mystic, but I prefer not to show
I put smile on my face and among adversity I care to glow
I am a woman Indeed, for I have survived through ages

To My Beloved Teacher

beach-blue-girl-lost-love-Favim.com-151699

You have taught me

You have taught me that love is not going to be unconditional as I believed

That not everyone has the courage to give up their world, their comfort zone for love

That men are going to be men

They will make you see the sun where you once saw the stars

yet they will leave you doubting the mere existence of the two

You have taught me that words are not going to be all

They never are!

Believing in words that assure bounties of love is like believing in unicorns

You have taught me that I have to look out for myself & must  not wait for someone else to look out for me

You have taught me that even the greatest of love words will collapse when are needed to be proven

You have taught me that love is not going to last

That love of a man is nothing more than a timely infatuation like a child’s fondness with taste of a candy

You have taught me that I must adapt to the world, the world where necessity matters more than love

Where expectations are not fulfilled and promises are not kept

Thank you my beloved! for you have taught me indeed

Unrequited

heartbroken_girl

It kills me to see that I’m not part of your plans
Sitting beside an open book, I hear your favorite music in my ears
For I am clueless, five years from now, where will I stand
I wonder if i will ever leave our dreams, our world behind
Or become like a controversial piece of art, the government has banned
your love lingers in my blood, and my life still rest in palm of your hands
Thus, save thyself from me
because, I cannot save myself from thee

My heart jumps to my throat
The last bit of my energy fizzle out from my mass
I wake up middle of the night, I jump cliffs in my wildest dreams
You held me in your arms, and pulled me away like a speck of dust
I see you smiling far away, and running closer as a thunderbolt
I fake smiles, I feel like crying to the top of my lungs
I cuddle you like I did, I still hide you in my darkest nooks
Thus I say, save thyself from me
Because I cannot save myself from thee

Darkness has overtaken my light
I am drowning by the minutes
I lie awake in my stagnant being
Like Lifeless dead spirits
My past has oversaken me
My present portrays gloom
I still hold my hand in yours
My future, my world is where you i only want
Thus, save thyself from me
Because, I cannot save myself from thee

Identity Crisis

unrequited_love_by_myguiruela-d1gvt79

And then he left, leaving behind a haze filled with bewilderment. She was still in a trance, in a state of denial, it was like to have lived in your mother’s womb for about nine months, away from an undiscovered world full of misery, betrayal, lies and disillusion. When pulled out of his little world in amniotic sac, it takes a while for a child to breathe into the new world, to finally distinguish temporary from permanent, lie from reality and darkness from the light. It was what she felt, the agony of having exposed to the world she was skeptical existed.

But how come someone turn his back on tall claims of love, life and togetherness and change them altogether into abandonment? Who was she? Someone special like he made her believe or someone he has left her as [someone unworthy to fight for]? – It was a plain state of identity crisis.

What is love then if not giving up on your comfort zone? and accepting the challenges on your way towards the acquisition of ones object of desire? What is love then if not desiring someone to the point of no return? What is love then if not falling sick and handing away the ventilator into the authority of one person? What is love then if not declaring war against the transgressors of your heart’s desires?

She sometimes wonders, when few years down the line, during long winter nights, he would be sitting beside the fireplace with his family and children, maybe then while he would be narrating an incident to his family, she would cross his mind. If only for a moment, she will consume his mind. Will he shrug her off considering her a long-gone mistake, a youthful mistake unworthy of a mention?

She thought to herself, had Jinnah not stood up for the interests of Muslims in subcontinent, and had not worked tirelessly to achieve a dream called “impossible”, Pakistan have not been made.

She would finally know, it was not him. It was her. someone unworthy to fight for.

Lights will guide you home

10275542_771246049636338_5570319771763904598_o

There was a lighthouse across the seashore! – just as she was at verge of losing all her hopes, it was glimpse of that radiating upright lighthouse bringing her back to senses. “How many times have I lost hope before?”, she thought to herself. As far as she could remember, this was the second time in her lifetime when she found herself parched; feeling abandoned in the middle of a desert, helpless and convinced that it is time to scribble down her will. First time being her break-up with the man of her dreams, who was to remain in dreams alone, something that she could only understand after she found out about his apparently secretive love-life with a girl from a small town, from where he migrated to her city. “What better could life be without him?”, she mumbled standing on the roof top of the old city building. “I can live without anyone, without him”, she boastfully declared while she knew that she is making another fragile attempt to convince herself out of the helplessness. Each day, and night, she was struggling to pull herself up, it seemed like a cursed darkened whirlpool she was drowning inside each day. She worked at an advertising agency, as adviser and manager of social media agent, since the last five months, not only had she become irresponsible towards her career goals, but also complaints against her projects were flowing in from her most loyal clients. It was a sharp pain, an agony of losing not only her heart but her soul to someone who felt plain nothingness for her in return. Only that day, if her friend hadn’t rescued her in a state of complete frenzy, in her standing-abandoned-in-the-middle-of-a-desert moment, it would truly be her time to jot down her last wish.

It took her months to hold herself back together, she traveled with her best friend and her extended group of friends who were going to complete a photography assignment while working for a magazine. Together they galloped through mountains, plains, greens and rusty lands, they spotting animals, chirpy colorful birds, while all through this journey she couldn’t stop pondering over the mysteries of nature. “Has life really finished for me?”. “Does life really changes by the existence of a being?” “Is it just human mind that finds peace in denial?”-  Birds still fly, mountains still stand erect, water hasn’t stop flowing through the river currents, while she stood open armed at the edge of the cliff, wind caressed her hair softly whispering into her ears, I haven’t stopped either, why have you? It was during her expedition to rediscover herself when she ran into a piece of writing in her friend’s hand bag, a poem from Emily Bronte,  it felt like a divine message, that touched her connecting the broken pieces together, telling her – This is it! Write!, you shall write.

Shall Earth no more inspire thee,

Thou lonely dreamer now?

Since passion may not fire thee

Shall Nature cease to bow?

Thy mind is ever moving

In regions dark to thee;

Recall its useless roving

Come back and dwell with me

I’ve watched thee every hour

I know my mighty sway

I know my magic power

To drive thy griefs away

Then let my winds caress thee

Thy comrade let me be

Since naught beside can bless thee

Return and dwell with me

– Emily Brontë

First time she moved her pen, it felt heavy, words felt echoing from far away, not a writer’s block, but it was starter’s block.  She held her pen closer to her face and said, “Maybe I am hopeless after all”. She lost hope, yes hope! – and this was the second time. Though reluctantly, but she remembered there was in fact a moment of utter disgrace when she flunked her mathematics quiz as a student of grade five, without wasting more than a moment of silence on the “catastrophe” as it was called by her family, she was labeled the queen of hopelessness, whereas, on the other hand she was only plain blank emotionally, or indifferent to the situation for that matter, thus it could not be termed as another of loss of hope event in her life.

Shrugging off the memory flashback, she stood up on her feet, briskly and then uncontrollably escalating the pace of her speed ran towards the lighthouse, which was radiating blue light, or was it green?, she couldn’t quite comprehend the true color. She was alone on a creepy Island, without a hope of getting rescued by a savior; this light house could be her way back home. “I must get there”, she said breathlessly, standing about furlong away from the mysterious lighthouse. Getting closer to it, relatively slower than before, she kept her eyes focused on the strange lights. She was amazed, a wave of fright ran up her spine, it wasn’t just a ray of light; she could clearly see glittery stars floating in the light rays.

Trying hard to absorb this unbelievable sight in front of her, she moved ahead, in an attempt to get hold of the apparently magical starry light. While she reached just there, raising her hand in order to grab a star, she felt nothing, her fingers did not feel anything except thin air while they passed across the light rays, it was plain light rays with starry images. “Where is the source?”, she thought, confused. “Where is it coming from?”, she thought inquisitively. Following the light rays, she moved ahead, climbing the staircase, reaching top of the building, she found nothing of what she expected, no electric bulbs, or tube lights, there was something unbelievable lying on a wooden plank, with her jaw-dropped bewilderment she approached near, and observed the blue colored glass bottle radiating blue magical light. She touched, smelled, rubbed {In case a genie might appear} the bottle but nothing. “Wait a second!”, there’s a paper note in there, she noticed. Turning the bottle upside down she managed to get it out of the bottle. Rolled like a kingly revelation, she opened it and found what she just lost: Hope. In big, capitalized letters, the paper note read HOPE.

Yawning and stretching, she woke up to purring of her cat, who was struggling to climb up her lady’s lap. It was 4:00 am in the morning and she dozed off about 2 hours ago, trying to scribble down her first story, with all hope lost. Now she found her story, she knew what needs to be written. It was hope she will write about hope, to never give up hope because no matter where you find yourself standing, lights will guide you home.